Don’t Drink and Buy: Watching Out for ‘House Brands’

Your old friend Knox woke from a drunken stupor in a cold sweat with the horrible realization that he had dropped more than C-note on a piece of firewood with six strings stuck up its a$$. And so begins a tale on how I got a ‘house brand’ guitar shoved down my throat by a big box store. Not surprisingly, had I walked into a neighborhood guitar shop, I probably wouldn’t be bitching right now.

I spent the most of my day in a recliner with a bottle of Jim Beam staring at the monstrosity that had reared its ugly head into my home, also known as a Carlo Robelli W4103FCS. Going over the previous day’s events. I remember I was drunk – That’s not a surprise – But somehow I ended up at Sam Ash. Met up with Steve who admitted that he didn’t play guitar, but he had a great deal for me. And from there, the rest is a blur. Even after playing for twenty years, I sometimes see a guitar that seems like such an unbelievable deal, and, against my better judgment, I walk home with it.

Through bloodshot eyes, I glared at the Carlo Robelli Acoustic/Electric with the “Flame Coffee Burst” that had somehow made its way into my basement apartment to drag its dirty rear-end over my carpets like a stray dog. I put the words “Flame Coffee Burst” in quotes because it looks more like someone drank a pint of coffee then regurgitated on the top halfway through the lacquering process. In my attempt to strum a few chords, a finger caught the edge of a fret and cut it like a razor. With my finger in my mouth, getting used to the coppery taste of my own blood, I noticed that the bridge was starting to pull away from the body. Using a stranded Ace of Diamonds that was stuck to the bottom of my shoe with a piece of what I hope was bubble gum, I slipped the card underneath the bridge to gauge how bad it was. When I noticed how high the action was, I sighted the neck. Even though I was still woozy from the night before, I could still tell that the neck on this thing was a rollercoaster. “You get what you pay for,” I belched as I realized that this thing was screwed!

Guitar Center and Sam Ash both have their house brands that they push. Laguna Guitar, Raven Amps, and Carlo Robelli are all names that you should watch out for. Just remember, there’s a reason that most of you haven’t heard these names. That’s because everyone that buys them ends up using them as firewood (meaning they’re not very popular, and don’t get very far). When’s the last time you saw EVH come out on stage sporting a Carlo Robelli? 

Mine is a problem of inebriation, and I deserve whatever I get when I do stupid sh*t like this. I should know better. But the thing that pisses me off is that these chunks of dog crap are sold to every kid that walks in the door. And the parents buy it because they don’t have much cash and they don’t know any better. They don’t know that, with the same amount of money, you could buy Washburn D10 package with picks a strap and a gig bag, or a Walden D350 for about fifty bucks more. A Walden or a Washburn will both kick the a$$ of these inbred pieces of junk, and they’re big names that you know you can trust.

There are places that would gladly tell you that, and that’s the smaller neighborhood shops. They’re all over the place.  These are good places run by players. You walk in the door, and you’re not gonna have a house brand shoved down your throat because they don’t have them! They sell real stuff. Fabulous Fenders (debatable). Glorious Gibsons (mostly overpriced). Wonderful Washburns (cool be that). Jamtastic Jacksons (give us more Jenna Jameson). Gear that you can trust from people that you can trust.

These little shops aren’t gonna screw you over because they need repeat customers. Guitar Center, Musician’s Friend, or Sam Ash can wipe their behinds with people like us because they don’t need us (or so it feels at time!) Try getting lessons at a Sam Ash, or try getting your guitar adjusted from Musicians Friend. Most of them don’t even do it, and for those stores that do – like the Fabulous Fenders comment above -the quality of work is debatable.  The little shops will, though. They need to keep people coming back time and time again and that means offering things that the big places don’t: Service.

I’m telling you because I care, and because I have a deadline to get something into the boss at BangYourHeadGuitars.com before he kicks me so hard I end up at the unemployment line. But it’s mostly because I care.

Now look, if you try out a Raven Amp and you’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah. This thing gets me hard like a fistful of Viagra,” then go ahead and buy the thing. I ain’t gonna stop you. But play through some other stuff first. I guarantee that you will find something that sounds way better for the same amount of cash and it wont be a no-name brand that plays like a baseball bat wrapped in barbed-wire. Remember, it’s really no different than playing a guitar with the name Guitar Center, Sam Ash or Musicians Friend etched on the headstock. And for goodness sake, check out your neighborhood shop. Big name places should only be used as a last resort (or when they’re blowing things out at absurd prices!) If you want a place you can keep going back to, check out a neighborhood shop. In your search for gear, you’re bound to get a lot more out the little guy.